I don’t even know what to say…and I’m tired of people trying to get me to talk about it, or tell me how terrible it is, like I don’t already know….
I remember the day she showed up in my driveway. My grandparents called me outside and I didn’t want to go, because it was cold. I wanted this over quickly, so I went out there without shoes on, I should have known something was up. My family isn’t the “Let’s have Christmas Party” kind of people. I didn’t remember who you were, you were small and ugly, but you had a big bow around your neck. You were soo alert being in a development, but you still sniffed my hand and didn’t act stupid. I still didn’t like you, and I didn’t like you for a week. I knew you weren’t the kind of horse I needed at that time in my riding…but then you got sick and I slept outside your stall for a week. I fell in love, and I made the choice to give it a try.
You were a bit crazy, but I know so much of what I know now because of what we went through, and I still bear the scars from the very first time I cantered on your back and we both fell. There were times when I thought it would be better to sell you. KNEW it would be better to sell you and I didn’t. I don’t know if I would of made it past 13 without you.
I’m not even allowed to be upset. I don’t know how to keep this all in anymore. I feel like I’ve failed her so badly. 11 years together and even though I hated some of it, she was there for me when I needed her and now I’m not there for her when she needs me. I almost lost her twice before and saved her both and this time I can’t help you.
There will always be horses these for me, but I won’t have your two white socks and two black socks trotting together. I won’t have any more debates about whether your stripe is a HP Lighting Bolt or a Moonbeam. Or “Oh what’s her brand mean?” or “wow she’s so gorgeous.”
I think I’ll miss the head on the shoulder the most though….she isn’t affectionate at all. That little head on the shoulder was her way of saying she enjoys my presence.
I wish I didn’t have to do this, I really don’t want to do this…